me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
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Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-