@Paige__xxx

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

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@Popehat

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

@darth_erogenous

your only scared of bullets because theyre going fast. id be scared of a sandwich if it was travelling at 2500 feet per second

@Brampersandon_

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

@HardDriveMag

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

@CheryeDavis

My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD Bin at Walmart….

@BunAndLeggings

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

@CommonSavant

Huffington Post says all that passive aggressive behavior can harm your marriage.

In other obvious news, water is wet and the sun is hot.

@70Ceeks

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

@frogshack

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

@quendergeer

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT: