Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Me: tries to sleep
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
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your only scared of bullets because theyre going fast. id be scared of a sandwich if it was travelling at 2500 feet per second
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD Bin at Walmart….
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Huffington Post says all that passive aggressive behavior can harm your marriage.
In other obvious news, water is wet and the sun is hot.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT: