Me: tries to sleep
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

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This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.


Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis


A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard


Priest: I will now dip the child in the Holy Water

Me (just watched a hot dog eating contest): That makes em go down your throat faster


Problem: I hate peeing alone, sleeping, & nobody talks to me about random nonsense

Solution: kids


Can I get an amen?

Can I get a b-men?

Can I get a c-men?
CME–*the whole church laughs*


Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.


I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it


I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.


Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.