Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
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Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.