@drankturpentine

ME: *tries to sneakily pee in pool*
LIFEGUARD: sir get off the diving board

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@Angibangie

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

@jackiembouvier

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

@WICKEDTRUTH01

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

@MondayPajamas

My new phone has fingerprint recognition security technology and now I can’t open my phone unless I’m eating fried chicken

@thedad

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

@CaucasianJames

starting a podcast where i don’t speak. it’s just 48 minutes of complete silence. u put it on whenever u want a break from listening to music or other podcasts

@babblinbrooke4

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.