The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
You Might Also Like
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.