Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
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Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.