Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
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REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
j o i m p
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams