ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
You Might Also Like
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.