scrolling through my own 2019 instagrams
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
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What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
I don’t think it’s rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today’s newspaper.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Take me Hoooome
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.