@HomeWithPeanut

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.

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@simoncholland

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

@Seamus_the_Bold

I don’t think it’s rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today’s newspaper.

@CYComedy

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

@Donna_McCoy

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

@vanluvz1

Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

@JustMeTurtle

What I said: I do.

What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.

@get_stalked

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

@_Tempo11

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.