Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
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It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.