Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
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1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I missed you with all my darts
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.