*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
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Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
I created you as mosquito food.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday