me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
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Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no