can’t believe I got front row seats
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
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I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer is my favorite song about how to incorrectly deal with the loss of a loved one during the holiday