what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
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Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Loan me a couple bucks?
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
Can I even pay with these?
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I’m writing a screenplay where a shark attacks people at the beach but, like, emotionally.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!