@GrantTanaka

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

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@hell_doe

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

@JohnLyonTweets

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

@UnFitz

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

@audipenny

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

@sweetg35

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

@Brampersandon_

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

@CorkyCrash

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

@The_MartiniGirl

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

@drhappyknuckles

I’m writing a screenplay where a shark attacks people at the beach but, like, emotionally.

@ArfMeasures

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!