@GrantTanaka

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

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@iAmDelFreaky

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

@kelkulus

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

@SteveSuckington

Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.

@donni

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

@lemonmartinis

Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad

@lovejulieacafe

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

@SondraDeeMe

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

@Mr_Kapowski

Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer is my favorite song about how to incorrectly deal with the loss of a loved one during the holiday