@ThaJawn

Me: *trying to be cool* Scotch

Bartender: Preference?

Me: *nervously* hop

Bartender: Bout time! *breaks out sidewalk chalk*

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@callmeEvian

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

@mom_ontherocks

4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?

10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled

Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true

@bridger_w

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

@fatherofcomedy

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

@fillthevacuum

Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?

@karanbirtinna

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

@bornmiserable

ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW