ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
You Might Also Like
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working