@trentistweeting

[me trying to do magic]
Is this your card?
“No”
Is THIS your card?
“Not even close”
What about THIS?
“Trent thats literally a piece of ham”

You Might Also Like

@pharmasean

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

@GodAnimalBooks

Dog: am I a wolf?

God: no you’re a dog.

Dog: what’s the difference?

God: wolves live in a pack.

Dog: like a family?

God: ok yes.

Dog: I am a wolf!

God: but wolves howl at the moon.

Dog: so?

God: you bark at appliances.

Dog: [offended] I do not!

God: [turns on vacuum].

@Tmoney68

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

@crylenol

VAN GOGH: Go on, open it. You’ll like it. Much better than last year.
GIRL: It isn’t another ear is it, Vince?
VAN GOGH: what

@TheAlexNevil

If there’s a hardship greater than putting cheese on a cracker and having it break before it gets into your mouth I’ve not heard of it.

@JohnLyonTweets

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

@wx388

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

@dave_cactus

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

@SortaBad

Taco Bell manager: I’m sorry, you didn’t get the job. It’s your drug test

Me: so you mean…

Manager: yes, you passed. Get high & re-apply