Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
[me trying to do magic]
Is this your card?
Is THIS your card?
“Not even close”
What about THIS?
“Trent thats literally a piece of ham”
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Dog: am I a wolf?
God: no you’re a dog.
Dog: what’s the difference?
God: wolves live in a pack.
Dog: like a family?
God: ok yes.
Dog: I am a wolf!
God: but wolves howl at the moon.
God: you bark at appliances.
Dog: [offended] I do not!
God: [turns on vacuum].
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
VAN GOGH: Go on, open it. You’ll like it. Much better than last year.
GIRL: It isn’t another ear is it, Vince?
VAN GOGH: what
If there’s a hardship greater than putting cheese on a cracker and having it break before it gets into your mouth I’ve not heard of it.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Taco Bell manager: I’m sorry, you didn’t get the job. It’s your drug test
Me: so you mean…
Manager: yes, you passed. Get high & re-apply