Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
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flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Growing up was a huge mistake
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.