Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂😂

*hears recording of my voice*

Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?

Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.

He-man has a Masters degree

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

[Job Interview]

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.

Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.

Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

Shoo shoo! 😂

dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy

me: ok got it

[later]

her: hi i’m carol

me: u look like shit

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.