Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*

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Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”


*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”


It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.


Her: I noticed you’re wearing one green sock, and one red sock.

Me: Yea, I’ve got another pair just like these at home…


If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*


Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea


If a mugger ever asks me to draw an uppercase cursive Q or he’ll shoot, tell my family I died a hero… #hero #cootertales


brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys


“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]


*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?