Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
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Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.