ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
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*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system