Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
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[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.