Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
You Might Also Like
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.