Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
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I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
What kind of a cult is this?
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner