Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

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Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….


Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works


I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts


I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”


When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.


No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.


Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?


[watching our kid play at the park]

ME: awww, he got your anxiety with strangers
HIM: and look, your irrational fear of birds!

[we smile]


That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.


[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*