@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone

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@MsSkarsgaard

Him: I’ll kill anyone that tries to come near you.

Me: Oh, that’s sweet babe but do you think you could you leave the Cinnabon samples guy alone?

@PolhunterP

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

@Dadsaysjokes

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

@squirrel74wkgn

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

@WorstCassie

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

@samreich

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

@imteddybless

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

@peteec

Jim Lehrer is moderating this debate with the skill of an NFL replacement referee.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

@corysnearowski

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position