ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
You Might Also Like
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I unironically love this joke.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
What about a To-Don’t List?
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore