Him: I’ll kill anyone that tries to come near you.
Me: Oh, that’s sweet babe but do you think you could you leave the Cinnabon samples guy alone?
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
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Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Jim Lehrer is moderating this debate with the skill of an NFL replacement referee.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position