ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
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The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Not today, today.
Not today.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.