Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
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If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?