Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-
her: Don’t say it, im leaving
me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins
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Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.