In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
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Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Previously On Persistence 😎
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?