Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad

Drive-thru: Dressing?

Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car

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Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.


Her: Do you have any kids?
Me: I have 2 step kids
Her: None of your own?
Me: no
Her: How come?
Me: facials
Her: I’m sorry what?
Me: What?


Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…


Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.


Hearing my own voice on recording makes me want to apologize to every single person I’ve ever talked to.


“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)


Ran into the guy who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.


Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that


purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again


Poured my cat some almond milk & now she has bangs & drives a Prius.