@squirrel74wkgn

Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad

Drive-thru: Dressing?

Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car

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@JohnLyonTweets

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

@THEINBREDCAT

Her: Do you have any kids?
Me: I have 2 step kids
Her: None of your own?
Me: no
Her: How come?
Me: facials
Her: I’m sorry what?
Me: What?

@notalogin

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

@VeryLonelyLuke

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

@drayzze

Hearing my own voice on recording makes me want to apologize to every single person I’ve ever talked to.

@Tmoney68

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

@Ameiam

Ran into the guy who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.

@astrobebs

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

@fuzzlime

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

@prodigalsam

Poured my cat some almond milk & now she has bangs & drives a Prius.