Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
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My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
What kind of a cult is this?
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?