Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
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ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
[learning how to tie shoes in school]
Jesus: *raising hand* why do we have to learn things some of us will never use in real life
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
One day we will look back at the criminalization of marijuana and laugh because we will be so high.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Truth: My 85yr old grandmother’s answering machine says, “I’ll call you back when I want to, if I want to.”
Heroes are all around us.