Me trying to reach for my goals

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[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!


I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.


Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)


Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.


I don’t mean to brag about my patience, but I just waited 5 whole seconds before passing a student driver and flicking them off.


It’s amazing when you hug someone you haven’t seen in decades. It’s also embarrassing when it’s not the person you thought it was.


Celine Dion: all by myself

CDC: good

CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself

CDC: sorry but them’s the rules