Me trying to reach for my goals
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She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.