@Pundamentalism

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

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@Marlebean

Librarian “SHHHHH”

*Turns lawnmower to low setting*

@DanMentos

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

@eddiesnextwife

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

@omgthatspunny

I had a little bird, her name was enza, I opened up the window and influenza.

@alice_x_daniels

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

@Laser_Cat

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

@zachbdunn

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t