*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
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“So you met the victim on tinder”
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I had a little bird, her name was enza, I opened up the window and influenza.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?
“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t