[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
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Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…