Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
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If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Otters drive ottermobiles.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer