How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Me: *trying to sleep but can’t stop sniffling* sorry, the box of tissues on my nightstand is empty
Him: if it’s empty, it isn’t a “box of tissues,” it’s just a box
Me: *already blowing my nose on his sleeve*
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Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
People who put “Retired” on their Linked In acct: I’m not certain you’ve grasped the site.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!