@smithsara79

Me: *trying to sleep but can’t stop sniffling* sorry, the box of tissues on my nightstand is empty

Him: if it’s empty, it isn’t a “box of tissues,” it’s just a box

Me: *already blowing my nose on his sleeve*

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@Abusitron

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

@TKPPC

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

@filthybeggar1

People who put “Retired” on their Linked In acct: I’m not certain you’ve grasped the site.

@samalmightysam

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

@tastefactory

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

@broken_rhi

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

@dshack8

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

@ImMelanieGibson

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

@MarlonBrandNO

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

@T_Longstreth

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!