Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
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The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.