me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

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“My body wasn’t designed for this.”

– me, getting out of bed


2nd grade girl sleepover:

“shhh okay let’s actually go to sleep”

*quiet for a minute*

the annoying friend: *starts laughin for no reason*

*entire group starts laughin except for one girl*

that one girl: “guys seriously i have a softball game tomorrow”


my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks


She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”


[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye


Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.


Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.


My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.