@SortaBad

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

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@OneToothTexan

“My body wasn’t designed for this.”

– me, getting out of bed

@itsmehgd

2nd grade girl sleepover:

“shhh okay let’s actually go to sleep”

*quiet for a minute*

the annoying friend: *starts laughin for no reason*

*entire group starts laughin except for one girl*

that one girl: “guys seriously i have a softball game tomorrow”

@radtoria

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

@UncleDuke1969

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

@Mom_Overboard

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

@1Happytwit

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

@AnitaAlibi

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.