@iLikeCatShirts

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

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@tracietom

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

@kaynecaraway

I blanked when I got to the counter at Starbucks and said “vodka soda” and she said “huh” and I said “huh” and then we stared at each other until I remembered I was there for coffee.

@gabbazaba

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

@CourtneyBale

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

@lovemydogduck

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.