I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
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I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I blanked when I got to the counter at Starbucks and said “vodka soda” and she said “huh” and I said “huh” and then we stared at each other until I remembered I was there for coffee.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Rio just listed a slightly used Olympic stadium on eBay.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I love twitter
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.