I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
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Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I like donuts.
Twitter:
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra