3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
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Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza