Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
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My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I feel seen.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!