[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
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9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
ME: *tries to sneakily pee in pool*
LIFEGUARD: sir get off the diving board
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
“Why is that woman listening to our conversation?”
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground