me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
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My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions: