ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
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Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.