-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
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That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
🤣🤣🤣
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful