Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
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Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
The sacred texts.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
*eats only grass-fed donuts
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.