me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
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They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!