need him
You Might Also Like
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
anyone else like Italian cereal
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Monday Lisa
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread