@justokpanda

Me: *twirling* And this stress has POCKETS can you believe it??!

Therapist: Please sit down.

Me:*falling over* Ok

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@panmidwest

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

@markedly

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

@robfee

Fox News: Trump looks strong!
CNN: Hillary should get the win!
MSNBC: If you put a buncha hot dogs in a hamburger bun, is that a sandwich???

@Mostly_Cheese

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

@girlwit0filter

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

@_little_old_me

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

@fro_vo

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

@SCbchbum

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”