My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Me: *twirling* And this stress has POCKETS can you believe it??!
Therapist: Please sit down.
Me:*falling over* Ok
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Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
can’t believe I got front row seats
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Doc: So you’re not sleeping?
D: how much water do you drink?
M: a glass a day
M: 4 glasses
M: Yes, please