[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
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Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Chicken bread
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.