@justokpanda

Me: *twirling* And this stress has POCKETS can you believe it??!

Therapist: Please sit down.

Me:*falling over* Ok

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@Darlainky

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

@Browtweaten

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

@SomePieceOfshit

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

@TheCatWhisprer

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

@murrman5

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

@Storminika

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

@panmidwest

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

@Darlainky

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

@better_off_dad

Doc: So you’re not sleeping?
Me: nah
D: how much water do you drink?
M: a glass a day
D: Alcohol?
M: 4 glasses
D: Coffee?
M: Yes, please