@UncleDuke1969

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

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@fro_vo

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

@SvnSxty

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

@MUMSIEesq

Pro Tip:
If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says “one second,” wait more than one second before entering.

@prufrockluvsong

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

@thesulk

“Something in the way she moos / attracts me like no udder lover”

@SlothSlouch

Most of my friends are imaginary but don’t judge because so are you

@WilliamAder

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

@DaddyJew

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.