@UncleDuke1969

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

You Might Also Like

@NotJPo

“Don’t kid yourself.” – birth control

@Megatronic13

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

@AdderallMomma

Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

@UncleDuke1969

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

@ClichedOut

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

@foxxy311

Ladies, don’t waste your time picking up guys at Chuck E Cheese.

Apparently they have a “family” & a “wife” & I’m “ruining their dinner.”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

@CliffDuffy

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

@junejuly12

Him: What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.

Him: *sighs*

Me: Oh, you mean between meals.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.