“Don’t kid yourself.” – birth control
Me: Two fingers here.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
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Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Ladies, don’t waste your time picking up guys at Chuck E Cheese.
Apparently they have a “family” & a “wife” & I’m “ruining their dinner.”
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.