Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
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WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs