ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
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Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
A friend helps you before you need it
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises