Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
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My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo