@ddsmidt

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

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@mjkspeaks

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

@aaronnemo

Me: You’re the only one who truly gets me.
Chipotle guy: What?
Me: I said chicken. Chicken burrito.

@dubstep4dads

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

@TheCatWhisprer

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

@HenpeckedHal

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

@Tmoney68

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

@iwearaonesie

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

@Ygrene

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha