@ddsmidt

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

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@schmittsteve

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

@lisaxy424

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

@VodkaThursday

Me:OMG RYAN GOSLING DIED! Oh. His hair. He dyed his hair. Brown. Can U believe that was a story? Husband: I think it worked great. Me:Zip it

@clichedout

me: dogs have 4 legs

her:

me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen

@AskinWayne

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell

@LnL245

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

@ceejoyner

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

@not_delicate

Some people are dealing with real life crises right now and need your nudes now more than ever

@JoshDenny

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?