Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
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If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I think my mom just blocked me
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything