Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

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Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.


Me: You’re the only one who truly gets me.
Chipotle guy: What?
Me: I said chicken. Chicken burrito.


that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute


We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.


My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.


To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.


Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV


Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha